Years ago, one of my students approaching retirement submitted a question that I feel impressed to share now.

She wrote:

I’ve gone back and forth about writing this because I don’t even feel worthy of your time anymore, and part of me feels like I should already know how to navigate this after everything you’ve taught me. But I also know that sometimes we need someone who’s walked a similar road to remind us what we can’t see ourselves. I think what’s finally pushed me to reach out is that I’m struggling with not seeing clear steps forward. In many ways we are going through a reset, which is terrifying. I don’t know how to go through this in a way that strengthens our marriage instead of straining it.

My spouse is carrying so much stress that every time I try to talk about our situation, he becomes overwhelmed and puts the conversation off because there’s always one more urgent thing to do. He's worked a business our whole marriage but it's not going well, and we don't have a retirement. Instead of trying to solve the problem, he gets a headache and needs rest. I know he’s trying. I know he’s hurting. I don’t believe he wants to fail us. But in the meantime I sit carrying the anxiety of it all without being able to take any steps forward.

I also feel like I’m losing my sense of trust and safety because I don’t know the full picture anymore. Which is a scary feeling in a marriage and honestly all too familiar from our early years that we worked so hard to overcome, but when conversations keep getting delayed and I don’t know what’s really happening, I start wondering if I need to take over, do something (I don't know what) and I hate feeling that way. I don’t want to become someone who nags or controls. I want to be supportive, but I also need to feel like we’re facing this together and that we are actually taking steps out of this.

I know you’ve walked through incredibly difficult seasons yourself, and I’m not looking for a quick fix. I think I’m just looking for perspective from someone who’s been in the fire and came out the other side.

How did you protect your marriage while carrying the weight of business and financial uncertainty? How did you know when to step in, when to let go, and how to keep fear from overwhelming you?

I’m trying so hard to stay grounded in faith instead of fear, but some days it feels like I’m standing in the middle of a storm, not knowing which direction to walk.

Thank you for the countless ways you’ve influenced my life already. Your teachings have been a steady anchor for me over the years, and I’m grateful for you. I don’t even know if there is anything anyone can do. Maybe I just needed an outlet for a moment.

With love, Donna

I'm sharing my reply below for anyone else who might be going through a similar season:

Hi Donna, I am so sorry you're going through this. I have thought of you often since we last connected.

Yes, we have been through many difficult seasons ourselves, and it's good that you're not looking for a quick fix. If I could have talked to someone ten years ahead of where we were during those challenges, it would have helped a lot. So the perspective I might offer is this...

Our hardships in life are always temporary. The relationship is meant to be eternal. Life's challenges strip away our attachment to things that really don't matter. Where we live, how well we live, what people think of us... it's not that those things are inherently bad - they aren't. It's our attachment to them that tends to need refining.

Looking back, some of our deepest and most profound growth took place during that 'reset'. A time when we had to scrutinize everything we were doing, everything we owned, and whether we needed to downsize drastically, which we did. Through trial and error, during that time of uncertainty, constant worry, and stress (probably about 6 years of it), I discovered that we were okay from day to day, as long as I chose to remain calm, while actual circumstances seemed more inclined to worsen whenever I lost my cool without course-correcting as quickly as I could.

It felt like a high-intensity mental workout 24/7, but I never would have gained this much confidence in the principle without that much practice. I am convinced there is some governing law that promises everything will be okay as we do the work to keep our nervous system regulated.

Sometimes all I could do was breathe deeply, and repeat "I choose to believe" [that God is mindful and taking care of us - that He will give us this day our daily bread]. I would repeat it out loud ,over and over, and sometimes just cuddle up in a blanket, close my eyes, and listen to soothing music.

My go-to was "Peace Like a River" by the Tabernacle Choir. Another one - this one is about 10 minutes long and truly other-worldly if you'll put yourself in a quiet place where you won't be disturbed, take it in with your eyes closed, and imagine the heavens ministering directly to you - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W0Xu03wiTyE.

I also hear you about not wanting to rob your husband of his leadership and growth. This is probably the hardest part, and I didn't handle it well. I was critical, short-fused, impatient, and had very little confidence that my husband would do the right things to get us out of it. I think that may have been one reason it probably took us much longer than necessary to recover.

I think he still probably has PTSD from how I treated him. I wasn't trying to be mean, I was just so afraid and exhausted from feeling like I had to solve it. I didn't understand I could handle it any other way until much later.

If I could give 40 year-old me a gift, it would be this book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0DK2RR5C9?lv=shuf&channelId=500&plpRedirect=mhFallback ('Consider Yourself as Eve' by Meghan Farner). I can only speak to the first few chapters because I haven't finished it yet - but what I've learned so far would have given me a holier perspective about my role as his wife, and how to respect myself and him more - and experience better fruits because of it.

Another thing I would offer is something I'm still really bad at, but I've seen enough glimpses to know that it's important... and that is, that our husbands do get stressed and afraid, and we may be the ONLY place they can feel some respite... IF we'll create that for them.

Are you willing to stay by his side, even if you end up on the streets? Does he know that? Are you in it for the long haul and have some confidence that somehow, you guys will have things figured out ten years from now? Remind him of that.

This may be the scariest thing he's been through, too, and us women tend to have an expectation that our men will show up as the knight in shining armor that they're still only starting to learn how to be. Expectations are the bane of all relationships. The sooner we release our grip on those expectations, the more Life... God's Plan... His power... will support us, more than we realize is possible, on a moment-to-moment basis.

You asked, "How did you know when to step in, when to let go, and how to keep fear from overwhelming you?" Focus on making yourself spiritually strong. Increase temple attendance if you can, even if you need to go solo, or even if it's just to sit outside on those holy, dedicated grounds. The blessings spoken there are powerful reminders of the Lord's gift to, respect for, and awe of his children, and as women, what we are here to do. 

Finally, I want to remind you that you will get through this! You'll look back on it as if it were all just a bad dream one day. And if you come away with increased confidence and awareness of God's hand holding you up through it, it will be a sanctifying experience - one that you'll reflect back on with your husband and say, "Look at what we got through, together".

You're showing your kids that they can do hard things, too. Just remember - when you feel the anxiety spike, it's because your subconscious thinks you're facing something truly fatal. Face the fear - answer the question - 'what will I do if that scary thing actually happens?' - and your subconscious mind will calm down immediately. Even ridiculous, nonsensical answers will do the job.

So, someone is going to get mad that you didn't pay them? What will you say or do if that happens?

Someone is going to judge you for selling off one of your assets? What will you tell yourself to help you remember that it's a good thing?

Need to move to a smaller home and maybe rent instead of own? Imagine the people that the Lord has lined up for you and maybe your kids to meet there - in what way will those relationships be exactly what you each need at this stage of your lives?

Run through all the scary threats and give them a new, positive meaning.

Anyway, I hope something is helpful here. Hang in there - you're already 'enough' right now to face and clear the next big hurdle. It will be worth it.

One day I'm confident we'll all look back on our rough phases of life and have a good laugh at how nutso we would get sometimes around truly imaginary fears. Yes, there are legitimate concerns and stresses. But most of our anxiety doesn't actually come from the legitimate concerns.

Is there a sheriff at your door with handcuffs and a CPS agent?

Is your husband on Dateline for doing some heinous crime?

Probably not. Even if it was the case, things could still be worse.

Look at the table in front of you. Touch it. Remind yourself of what is actually real. The roof over your head, the promises of the Covenant, the hope for a new start.... so much good right here, right now. You've got this; with the Lord's help, he promises that we can overcome anything.

With Love, Leslie

PS. This doesn't mean you won't also do what you can to help - it's just bringing yourself as often as you can back to a place of stillness (calm) so you can better detect the inspired ideas for your own next right steps.

The hard part is contributing without resentment and frustration, especially when communication is lacking. But that's the ideal.

Let him wrestle however he chooses. He has his own rhythm, so if it's down, trust that it will come back up all on its own (at least to some level higher than it is in the moment) and be patient and safe while you wait for it to happen.

Meanwhile, speak confidence often about your future together, and about your trust in the Lord. Offer assurance of your love for him whenever you can, and remind him often that you're in this together.

Names and details have been changed.